It’s been almost a year since I’ve written here, and I’ve missed it. I’ve longed for an idea, a concept, a thought, anything I felt like would be worthy of this space and I’ve fallen short everytime. I fell out of the high I was in when I first began this Substack and I’ve been trying to find so much as a glimpse of it to no avail. I lack the optimism and spark I once had and I feel so disconnected from the person I was when I first started this Substack. Forgive me if you can’t find her in these words. I’m having a hard time finding her in myself.
The first draft of this post was written on August 1st and at the time I’d been reading, watching, and listening to quite a bit of “motivational” content. I began thinking a lot about ways to make all the information I was consuming “stick”. I’d been having a hard time because I’d found myself wanting to go in so many different directions and I realized I needed to get centered and focused on my main goals.
And then it hit me.
I didn’t have any main goals.
Admitting this here to so many strangers is nerve wracking to say the least. I mean, it sounds odd to me too. How do you not have goals? I’ve been wondering the same.
Growing up I had so many. So many things I wanted to do and be, places I wanted to see. Today I feel disconnected from every single one of those things. Some of which, with age I realized just weren’t my ministry, but most I simply just no longer feel passionate about. Like yeah they sound nice but will they make me feel anything?
As a child I wanted to be a teacher, I even started off in college as an English and education major. I thought I had a clear path forward. But somewhere along the way, I lost that burning passion I once had for education. As much as I admire the profession I no longer feel it’s mine to claim. The closer to that goal I got the less passionate about it I became. That realization hit hard but today I can say it definitely isn’t for me. The anxiety I feel sitting in on my son’s pre kindergarten class for more than 10 minutes is enough to remind me how not cut out I am for that world, and I deeply respect those who are.
So here I am, without a long-term dream or passion to anchor me.
It’s not that I don’t want things. I do. I want to be a good mother and raise my son to be a kind, mentally and emotionally sound black man —someone who knows the value of love and compassion. I want my business to thrive so I can continue to afford the things my son and I want and need while working on a schedule that still allows me to be a present mom. I want to travel. I want to be a home owner. I want to get married.
And don’t get me wrong these are obviously goals but none of them feel like “right now” goals.
What I’m trying to say is that none of them feel immediate. None of them pull me out of bed with urgency every morning. They feel like things that will happen—or not—in due time. They’re long-term, things I can work towards but also things that require patience, faith, and trust in the unknown. And they feel lifetimes and oceans away from the stage of life I’m in right now.
And so i’m left feeling aimless in my day to day. Drifting through each day, week, month, year, waiting, hoping, praying for signs that I’m maybe a step closer to making even one of those things a reality, that I’m on the right path.
The days blur together. Weeks feel like repetitions of one another. It’s as if I’m watching time pass me by and that feeling of waiting—it’s exhausting. It leaves me feeling like I’m on autopilot, just getting through the day rather than truly living it.
Everything in my life feels out of control and I can no longer woo-sah and affirm my way out of it. I am spiraling.
so where do I go from here?
I haven’t quite figured that part out yet. All I know is that I want to do something that satisfies me, satisfies my soul. Something that will satisfy this restless longing ache I’ve been carrying and grappling with for so long. I know now that it’s not going to go away on its own. I have to find what will ease that ache, what will bring me peace and fulfillment.
I need to rediscover what drives me. I need to sit down with all the pieces of my life—my interests, hobbies, plans—and figure out where I want them to lead me. What the point is in all of this. What’s the underlying passion, the thing that lights me up, that makes life feel full again? And I’m hoping that in my search for it, I’ll start to uncover something that makes me feel alive.
Which brings me back to this Substack.
Writing makes me feel so alive, it makes me feel seen. Writing and editing this very post made me really see myself and the emotions I’ve been dealing with. I named them and in that I made myself feel validated.
I’ve heard over and over that as a writer, you have to keep showing up—even when you feel like you have nothing to say. And for a while, I truly felt like I had nothing worth saying. But here I am anyway, showing up. Because writing for myself feels good but publishing my work is euphoric. Connecting with others, knowing that I’m not alone and that my words have power is a feeling that, even as a writer, I do not have the words to explain. So showing up here is my first step in my journey to rediscovering who I am and what I want and where I want to go.
I don’t know where this is going or what direction I’ll take from here. But I do know this: if you choose to stick around, I will do everything I can to make it worth your while.
And so this is who I am right now—uncertain, searching, but still here. This is where I’m at, and I hope, as I continue this journey, you’ll continue to walk alongside me.
Okay so now that I’m reading on after that breathless 1000000 words - I am actually too exhausted for myself to cope with the fact that your words and me finding myself in them in a way that the exhaustion I feel is from how I just.. my very literal OCD is too triggered by the good things that matter most life threateningly if that makes sense & so I am overwhelmed when what I’ve been reading from you articulates something that is so deeply true for me in very specific and objectively unique circumstances in the very literal sense (both actually with plenty of mindfuck in terms of unique feeling box of the way my *****many privileges intersect*** with the oppressive Everythings - and so to see you here describing with fine toothed detail concepts and experiences I just…yeah/ you feel like a lifeline I’m not ready to acknoeldge exists cos I guess I could try using analogy of “cos your lifeline means I need to do some work to reach it & I’d rather pass out again for now until I can consciousness fully swim towards that lifeline / so thank you - I’m genuinely struggling to comprehend this right now!!!!! Biggest love!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!! Xxxxxxx
Found her by *Forgive me if you can’t find her in these words. I’m having a hard time finding her in myself.* already😭😭😭😭🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥 as well as why I was reading to begin with, which was to find myself and screenshot highlight and KEEP YOUR WORDS WHICH I FOUND MYSELF in re *writing for myself feels good publishing feels euphoric* - ooooo my god the way this is LITERlly making me see more clearly possibly something I can’t cope with speaking more about right know because I just don’t know where it’ll take me about something sooooooooooo fuckiNG critical for me - and it’s layers and layers cos it’s in everhthing from wherher and why and how I feel re: the diff MINISCULE to massive things within Eg visual art , word in writing, where, to whom- to anyone everyone and who is that anyone / everyone - like you saying this *feels good feels euphoric re writing for yourself publishing - specifically the word publishing - that alone !!!!!! Oh god the biggest one!!!!! For me and God I am only saying this here because I’m not worried about being found out - and even then!!!! But no I feel brave enough in this rare gem of a moment to state it - voice recordings of myself singing along to an instrumental of a song I fucking love and really feel like doing my version in that moment of - like yeah. That’s a whole thing to Whcih this really applies - as well as the thing of ooh noticing just now how it’s both and how sometimes my own for myself feels euphoric and sharing feels good - and also bigger than me that the reason I’m even asking this is cos I know the euphoria I want most exists in the option of me feeling like sharing is an option (sharing and publishing I guess is what I’m using interchangeably and even THIS is like - well - useful as FUCK sand is giving me insight - so thank you sooooo so so so so very very very much much much much much!!!!!! Ty ty ty Ty Ty xxxxxxxxxx
I hope it is obvious as …. Trump being the joke of white supremecy embodied , the very serious incorrigible and truly mockable in its logic of a joke - anyway hahha anyway- I HOPE U CAN SEE 1% of how much your words finding me helped me find myself in them!!!!!!! Cos this is TIP OF ICEBERG of a train I will now run to try and catch without forcing it ~ okay I will press send nOw…go! Xxxxx ,